"You Are Too Soft Mtanami"

You are Too Soft Mtanami

 These are the Words that my Mother would occasionally say... whenever I couldn't do a certain "job" because it was "too hard" for me... at the Point I did not have the answer... so I would just look at Her...hoping she will proceed " and you must do 1,2,3 inorder to be hard / strong?" But each time... they would be just those words, no advice on how to get rid of my softness. I now believe that Building your Confidence starts at home... how your parents treat you? how do they empower you? Do they tell you that you are Beautiful, Smart and Creative? Do they Compliment you each time you do a task well? All these things play a huge role on how much you value yourself as a child and how you'll carry yourself around your peers. I was around 13 Years Old.. when I became being Aware that I wasn't like my peers in my area. 

Growing up under my mother's strict hand, the most hard working woman I have ever known. She would sometimes jokingly say " I have balls inside of me". I believe my mother cared more what people / community thought of her than her children.. or perhaps me, his eldest son. I wish I had a better relationship with my parents but I never did, I despised them. At some nights I would pray that they die soon and when that finally happened. It was not quite liberating or glorious as I imagined it as a child. 

 

My mother had me when She was still in school. While she was doing Matric, in 1999, I was in Pre-School already. I believe life was better back then. She was still staying with her family in Waaihoek, a small township forty five minutes from Ladysmith. I imagine I was receiving all the love from that part of the family especially from my late grandmother, uMamkhulisa. I also do remember that she would take me to school... Leave me with lunch, usually uPhuthu and fried Egg. And at one point I remember that 'Ladysmith Black Mambazo', a Famous Scathamiya group from Ladysmith...visited our crechè. I was around Four I believe. 

My Mother has Always been Ambitious, which something that I believe I inherited from Her. When she moved to stay with my father at Msinga, the year was 2001. She took "itoho" as a teacher at the new primary school.. which later became My Primary school. Doing grade one, being taught my your mother, I don't wish it for anyone. Especially with the kind of woman I was dealing with. Apparently I was supposed to be the smartest in the class, cannot do no wrong or I would get embarrassed being beaten up with a  wooden stick in front of the class and outside, not only on the hands! all over my body. Like a removing feathers of a chicken...this is how I remember my mother being my teacher. I would get triple the punishment given to the rest of the class.

Photo of me in Bahulazi Area, where I grew up. Aug 2021

When we get home. Night time was study time....she would teach me topics, preparing me to show-off the next day at school. With my waist belt on her shoulder. Wrong answer...! "Whip!". That is how I was forced to be smart in school. Or at least that's how it started.  To be Continued in a Separate Blog.